Feb 21, 2010

Daily thoughts - on past flames

Yesterday I received an unexpected sms from someone I used to date. Before I go on with the meat of the story, I think I should give a brief overview of what this guy meant to me.

Let's call him Logan.

Logan and I didnt part as enemies after our relationship was over. He even saw me off when I left the country 3 years ago. But after that I never heard from him. I tried to send him messages when I went home last December 2007. He didnt reply so I thought maybe the number didnt work anymore. I still tried to send him sms in 2008 on his birthday, Christmas or whatever holiday it was. I didnt receive any response. I figured he may have moved on and doesnt want me to be part of his life. Or simply his phone got lost or disconnected.

Logan was a guy who I really pined for a long time. It was 10 years ago when I first met him. He was the quintessential hearthrob. Tall, dark handsome and also intelligent. Women were just completely taken with his good looks and confident swagger. I was one of them. The difference? I never slept with him no matter how many times I had gone out with him. It may sound self righteous but no that wasnt the case. He just told me that one day he wants us to be friends without me having to feel weird or embarrassed. To tell you frankly, thats one of the things he said that was absolutely true. Im a conservative person. I believe that Love is a sacred thing. Not that I think premarital sex is bad but if it can be avoided, Id say it best be reserved for only the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with. Its ideal but of course it does not necessarily happen in real life most of the time. We are human after all. Besides, when you fall in love, you are led to believe that its that person you want to spend your life with. Unfortunately sometimes, the feeling is not mutual.

Logan may seem the kind of guy who would take the willing and able. Maybe he is in some way. But he was actually was not bad to me. He did not take advantage of me. I just felt that he always wanted me to be there for him. As a friend? I dont know, he refers to me as one but acts all jealous when I show interest in someone else. The thing though was he seemed to treat women like a trendy outfit that has to be discarded once the season was over. He once told me I was special. I was special in a way that he would date some random chicks along the way but still he would call me on special occasions and greet me on my birthday and show his disapproval on any guy I date. He still wants me to show only my devotion to him. What sort of twisted shit is that?

It was a confusing stage and relationship. It was in 2002 I just decided not to talk to him anymore. I was tired of his bullshit and I just wanted to get him out of my system. I guess he wasnt happy to hear that though. We didnt communicate for 2 years until Around December 2004 when he got in touch with me again. From then on we have been good friends until 2007.

So I wonder why did he just suddenly dropped me and then get in touch with me again after 3 years.

I received his sms yesterday and he said he was in town and wanted to meet up with me. I told him I was with my husband. He asked who he is, if we have kids and what his nationality was. I answered all his questions and also that I wasnt sure I can make it to see him today because I had plans. I even kidded him that I thought he got hitched by force or what we call pikot in the Philippines.

He didnt seem amused though. After I sent him that sms, I didnt hear from him again. The last message he sent says he will be flying back to Manila tomorrow.

I am not mad. I just feel sorry for him because he had all these women in the past who truly loved him. Yet, he acted in an Alfie-ish way. Now that he finds out that we have moved on and we are actually happy, he cant seem to accept it.

It just strikes me as odd that if he was expecting me to hold out all these years for him?

Somehow I should be secretly gloating over this because he seems miserable.
Honestly, that is not the case. He was still a good friend to me. We were just better off as friends than lovers.

Im really very happy at how my life has turned out, without him in the picture.

I was very young once. I was reckless with my heart and yet idealistic. I dreamt of meeting that man who would come sweep me off my feet one day like the ones I read in those mills and boonclassics that my mom had on her dresser table.

I even thought it was him. But he just made me feel inadequate. I was good enough to be ..his friend.

I was hurt, but Im also glad that I put off love and just enjoyed my life. I believed that destiny will reveal to me one day what it has in store.

It was great that when I met my husband, I was happy with myself, with no hang ups. I was not in the rebound, nor desperately seeking for love.

I am content with my life. I have found the most extraordinary love.

Somehow I have Logan to thank for thinking of me less.

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