Feb 17, 2011

Daily thoughts - Broken

I dont know what to expect later, but whatever it is, I have no choice but to accept it. I cant sleep and some people may find it crazy for me to act this way over a cat. Yeah maybe it is crazy..but I dont really give a shit about what other people say or think. Ive stopped caring a long time ago. And the truth is, its very liberating.

2 years ago, I adopted Thumper and it was for the selfish reason that I couldnt get over another cat who mysteriously disappeared in the flat I live in. Thumper has brought me so much joy over the years I lived in Singapore and partly the time Ive stayed here at my folks house. I dont love her just like a cat. Its more like my own child. I will allow myself to go hungry or deprive myself of new things but the catfood and kitty litter will always be included in the budget. Since my husband had to leave ahead for the States, Ive been left here to solely tend to my baby girls. I walk several miles every week lugging a heavy bag of litter and catfood before I get on the tricycle to head home. I scoop their turds everyday. Wash their water bowl everyday and feed them 3-4x a day. Sometimes they would wake me up in my sleep because they have finished their food and want an advanced serving. Although Ive set a fixed time each day to give them their kibbles, I cant resist giving in when my older cat Dapper decides its feeding time. Yeah my baby girls are indeed spoiled but I always wish I can do more. Like get them quality food and more wet food each week. But due to financial constraints, I also have to be practical.

I honestly didnt want my pets to be relocated here. This house is dangerous and it isnt really the ideal place to take care of animals. But I had to move here. Someone thought it was a good idea to leave everything I worked hard for and just start anew. In a way it was a good idea. I was able to be with my Dad for 4 months. It is sad though that I was able to spend only a short time with him. But if I had my way, I would have preferred to have him live with me in Singapore. Away from all the stress that has made his life so unbearable here. Unfortunately, that also was a remote possibility. I wasnt making enough money to support my Dad. So the only resort was to move here to be near him and take care of him hands on. 

Leaving Singapore both made me happy and sad. Happy because I was reunited with my Dad and I had have more time to see him and care for him. Sad because I worked so hard over the years to finally make something out of my life only to throw it all away.  I love being independent. It doesnt matter if i have to live in a cramped dingy apartment, as long as I am not living with my folks and Im paying for my own rent. And I admit, I planned on putting away enough savings so that one day I can make use of it to either finish school or start a business.

I dont know whether I made the right decision because right now I feel like a huge failure. My Dad passed away and I wish I could have done and given him more. Now my beloved cat is probably gonna die on me too because I made the fatal mistake of letting her live here.

Things have not turned out as I have expected and somehow that has been a source of intense disappointment and heartache. 

My life was better when I was calling the shots. I had noone else to blame but myself.
Lesson learned. If its your life, hold the wheel, tell the backseat drive to shut the fuck up. If you crash, at least you know its your fault.

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